Existing vs Living

The past year, I've been living in a high stress situation. And the past 6 months only increased the levels of stress. And yes, I know I'm not the only one.

I've basically stopped doing things I used to enjoy. I can't remember the last time I picked up a camera. I don't remember when I last baked bread. I stopped my 5k walks. Blogging and vlogging are a thing of the past.

Yeah, once a month I get a manicure. But it's a passive activity that doesn't require my creativity (beyond picking a new manicure) or much of my attention.

I've been existing, but not living.

And I want that to stop. I NEED that to stop.

I've begun to notice the world around me again. The small things, like flowering weeds or the pomegranates that are coming into season.

I think it's time to pick up my camera again.

I've started watching my diet and cutting down carbs and cutting out sugar.

I think it's time for me to find a suitable bread recipe and start baking again.

Losing weight won't happen with just a change of diet, I NEED to exercise. Until I can afford a treadmill, I need to do something.

I think it's time to start walking again.

I've been told that I'm pretty decent at putting a sentence together. Putting the stuff that causes my stress hamster running at 1 AM down on paper - digital as it may be - is a good way for me to move things out of my head, which in turn will let me get a decent night's sleep. Vlogging will help me track my getting healthy journey.

I think it's time to get writing and recording again.

So the camera battery is now being charged, and my workout gear is getting dusted off.

Photo taken at the urban lot farm in February, 2020 BC... Before Corona.

Stress Hamsters

So we've moved to a smaller apartment that's basically across the street from Elchanan's school in one direction, and across the street from a mall, the main post office, the central bus station, and a train station in the other direction. There's a supermarket 5 minutes away (although it's not particularly the chain I like), doctors' offices 5 minutes away, and the boys have their own rooms, which has made a HUGE difference in their attitudes and behaviors both at home and in school.

Every so often I find myself breathing. A sigh of relief. Releasing a bit more stress.

And then...

And then I start to wonder when the rug will be pulled out from under us again.

And then I start to wonder when the other shoe will drop.

And I'm back to tossing and turning in bed at night as stress attacks my thoughts.

Because I've been here before. And the rug HAS been pulled out from under us.

I know there are things we need to do, should do, HAVE to do, to keep the stress hamsters from running on their wheels inside my brain.

Oooh, I like that; stress hamsters. Going to use that for the name of this blog post.

Focus.

We WILL be taking better care of our finances, which is basically the #1 stress factor in my life (well, pretty much anyone's life, amiright?)

I'm hoping my meds will help keep the stress hamsters at bay. And sitting on the beach.

But my Pavlovian response to things going well for us for a change really needs to change. When did I become such a pessimist?

So, how do you deal with your stress hamsters?

Next stage

Yesterday, Zach and I had our last parent-teacher meeting of the year for Nati. One teacher will be going on for a third year with the boys and the younger teacher will be leaving. All in all, the meeting was very positive. Nati has made great strides in his socialization, language skills, his math is amazing (thanks to the paternal-side genes), and he's excelled in almost every aspect of his studies and therapies. We've all noticed a big difference in how calm he's been since we've moved apartments and given him his own room.

The big sticking point in his learning is his reading. Or rather, his lack. We've tried several different things, and nothing seems to be working. He just doesn't seem to have any retention or perhaps recognition for the written word. And because he struggles, he hates having to do it. I mean, if I'm bad at something, I wouldn't want to do it either. But reading is a rather important skill and we need to rethink a few things.

So at yesterday's meeting, his teacher brought up the R-word.

She's spoken to one of the therapists who works with Nati on a regular basis and they feel that it might be time to try medication to help Nati's comprehension difficulties. Specifically, Ritalin.

Now, don't get me wrong. If there's one thing you need to know about my husband and myself, it's that we're not ashamed of our family's various mental health issues. And our family motto is "better living through chemistry". Okay, that's two things.

So now we need to teach Nati how to swallow a pill. And I need to make an appointment for him with the pediatrician so we can take the proper steps for him to get the prescription before school starts up again in September.

Stress and the toll it takes on you

There's a saying from Psalms, "to go from strength to strength".

I, however, live my life going from stress to stress. I don't know why. But it's how I am. And lately, it's been a shitstorm of stress.

My summer plans to go to the US with the boys have been cancelled because 6 weeks after starting a new job (after being out of work for almost 3 months), my husband's company laid him off so they could have the out-of-work brother of one of the company founders basically work illegally. That was over 2 months ago.

We're moving to a smaller apartment on Sunday, the reasons for that being the apartment we're in is really too big for us (when we first moved in, my adult daughter was living with us, she's no longer doing that), the owners refuse to replace the air conditioning so it actually works (having spent 2 summers in Beersheva heat, I can't do that any more). There are a few financial reasons for moving, but frankly, the no air conditioning in 105 F degree weather is a HUGE motivator. Especially when you work from home as I do. And no, we can't simply buy new ones ourselves; it's central air conditioning and the way it was set up is just not good.

So we're moving. And hubby has been out of work for over 2 months. And the vacation that was keeping me sane was cancelled.

So I've been a bit stressed.

The thing about stress is, you don't often realize just how much you've been drowning in stress until the/a stressor has been relieved.

My husband has had several interviews with different companies, literally all over the world. And it looks like a local company is offering him a job. When he called me to let me know, I couldn't make it through the phone call without tears. I barely hung up with him before the ugly crying started. Sobbing, tears streaming down my face.No snot, because as usual my sinuses are stuffed. But I'm sure that would have been dripping too.

Okay, deep breath, find a tissue, and get back to packing.

So, do you go from stress to stress, or are you water off a duck's back kinda personality?